21:40

-Today, I finally told my girlfriend I love her. She corrected my grammar. FML
-Today, the girl I’ve loved for the past two years finally expressed her innermost feelings for me. After a brief make out session, she asked me to “never leave her side”. When I got home, my mom told me that my dad got a new job. I’m moving to the other side of the globe in two weeks. FML
-Today, I told my mom about my night terrors in which I am laying in a ditch with people shooting at me, and I have no ammunition to defend myself. She told me I should stop being such a whiny bitch, and to grow up and be a man. I am 20 and got back from Iraq 10 months ago. FML
-Today, my teenage stepdaughters, as a punishment for refusing to buy them iphones, told my wife they saw me in town kissing an attractive blonde and grabbing her ass (all invented). She believed it and i’m single. I’ve been faithful and feeding the whole family for 10 years. FML
-Today, I checked my facebook, and my wife of 5 years was listed as single. I then write on her wall that it is ok to announce to be married. She writes back saying that we have to talk and to come to the kitchen. My wife divorced me over facebook. FML
-Today, I bit my boyfriend’s neck. I felt something squirt into my mouth. Turns out I had just popped a pimple on his neck. Into my mouth. FML
-Today, I spent $160 on a spa package for me and my best friend because her boyfriend just broke up with her, and she has been really upset for the past week. Turns out her boyfriend broke up with her because she had been cheating on him. With MY boyfriend. FML
-Today, is the day my husband was supposed to come home from a six month tour at sea. I heard the door bell ring. I sprinted to the door expecting to hold my honey bear, instead two uniformed sailors with a folded flag greeted me. I burst into tears. My husband walked up behind me. He laughed. FML
-Today, my friend had to take my cat who has a tumor to be put down when I wasn’t home since I couldn’t bare to take him myself. I have two cats. He took the wrong one. FML
-Today, I was wearing my workout clothes that consist of short shorts and a tank top and was walking to my car. I then heard a bunch of men whistling and saying “Who’s your daddy?” and “Why don’t you come over here, cutie.” As I got closer I realized that it was my daddy and his friends.